Sick like Nixon was sick

4 Jan

I woke up this morning to a familiar feeling. That tingly feeling in the back of your throat that can only mean one thing—


My life is in shambles.

I’m getting sick.

Waking up to that feeling just ruined my whole day, which sucks because this is likely my last mostly-healthy day for awhile. Commence juice-drinking and vegetable-eating. Now I’m halfway through my day, and the right side of my throat is all tender and swollen. Soon, cigarettes will taste worse than they ever have. Every meal will be an accomplishment. I’ll lay in bed, sweaty and delirious, wondering how I ended up in this sad state.

Every time I’m sick, I inevitably make some kind of pledge to myself about how I will never take my health for granted again! I will run and jump and dance and do everything I’ve always wanted, all day, everyday, forever. This persists for several days.

Cat Doctors

I wish I had cat doctors.

Then, I will be miraculously cured! And I won’t even remember how sick I was – which makes me wonder if trying to stop this sickness is even worth it. I kind of hate orange juice, anyway.

In other news, here’s how I spent my New Year’s Eve:

NYE pile

Not pictured: Giant bag of gluten

This may not look like much to you, but this pile of debris took nearly FORTY minutes and FIVE people to create. It also took a lot of music and screaming and beer and stuff. But I think it made for a pretty good last-minute offering to the Mayan gods of 2012.

Hm. I have some other recent moblie goodies, too – like this awesome rainbow!

Rainbow Connection!


I could actually see the beginning and end of this giant rainbow – the end was down in Oakland. Hard to capture on a cell phone camera but I think a managed to get a decent shot. And here’s an even OLDER picture:


Thanks, mom!

The prettiest cake I ever did have! Only took me 25 years to get it.

Alright, I’m done.

2011: A Year in Pamview

30 Dec

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to the Pam’s Weird Lyfe year-end roundup! Whether you loved it or hated it, 2011 proved to be a monumental year for everybody in one way or another. Personally, I’m not quite sure how I feel about it yet. Maybe I will by the end of this post – LET’S FIND OUT.


Snow was actually on the ground. The Steelers went to the Super Bowl and embarrassed themselves. Cee Lo’s “Fuck You” was merely a viral sensation, and had not yet usurped itself into every facet of pop culture. I was giving piggy-back rides in Barnes & Noble.


January was boring.


I think I went to a Pens game. I also became obsessed with Shark Tank. That’s all. No picture necessary.


According to my Facebook timeline, I was very sick this month. Somehow I got to see Bomb The Music Industry in Cleveland. But most importantly, the world lost a really really great person, whom I miss very much—


Patrick Gilbert


April was full of more punk rawk shows, Based God and really nice weather. Peoples became my official Favorite Restaurant. Koala T had his first solo show!! And many great times were had playing BATTLETOADS.



Osama Bin Laden was killed, and it left many people feeling…okay? I guess? The Weird Paul Rock Band melted faces off of marathon runners at the break of dawn. Bushido Blade became the retro-game-of-choice (but NOT Bushido Blade 2), and Koala T released my favorite song ever (and it happens to mention Bushido Blade in it!). Suddenly, a wild Craigslist ad appeared! It used “ACQUIRE NEW APARTMENT”. It was super effective!!

Little Italy Haze


Summertime! My sights were set pretty high, and they were set on adventure. I told HR Screening Services to take their job and re-staff it. To celebrate, I went to two amazing shows – DEVO and PEELANDER-Z!!!


Taco-taco-taco-taco-taco-say yeah!!


STARTED MY VERY AWESOME JOB on the very first day of this month. With a newfound confidence, I started hitting up local karaoke joints with friends. U-Hauls were at a premium, but we somehow managed to get Lily & Chris’s old couch into my apartment – much to the dismay of Street Elmo.




We all thought summer was coming to an end – who would have guessed it would stretch into December? “Lopez Tonight” got canceled and the world rejoiced. And MY BEST FRIEND GOT MARRIED.

Pam and Lily!



Many things happened this month, but none more important than my musical accomplishments! I wrote and recorded my first song, and played my very very very first show!

Like I give a fuck.

(╯°□°)╯︵ ┻━┻


Saw many hockey games, occupied some things, and dressed up like Fox McCloud for Halloween. Unfortunately, I accidently went “full-furry” and nobody thought my costume was cool. Only embarassing. I also went to the dentist for the first time in like 50 years!


"I went to the dennnnnnntiiiist!"


Iiiiiiiiiiiiiiii turned tweeeeeeenty-fiiiiiiiiiiiive! But I still act like I’m 10!



Oh crap, I caught up with my present-day self. This is going to cause all kinds of space-time problems. Uh.

no need


Happy 2012 everyone! 

holiday roooaaaAAaaohOOaddd!

20 Dec

Welcome to another jarring episode of Pam’s Weird Lyfe. Today’s topic:  Christmas!

Around 7:00 on Thanksgiving, as my corpse-of-a-body melted into the most comfortable chair available, I began to wonder how soon that Christmas-sy feeling would set in. The following two weeks of 65 degree days didn’t help. The lack of snow certainly deterred me. Even the over-sized ornament outside my building just made me feel more confused than cheery.


Where do you purchase these?!

And then, like a shining star in the o’ holy night, I got a call at work. We get a lot of people calling who have dialed the wrong number, our conversations usually last two seconds and end with someone grunting angrily. But this gentleman apologized for dialing the wrong number, and then proceeded to hang up…but not without wishing me a “happy holidays!” first. Dude warmed my heart.

It’s really the biggest reason that I enjoy the holidays at all anymore. For whatever reason, the general public’s expectation for people to be better around this time of the year is really…awesome to me. It makes me feel like we might still have a chance – “we” as in Pittsburgh, as in the country, or as in the whole world. Maybe it’s stupid to think of Christmas in such a whimsical way, but I prefer it over being a total grinch about it.


sunday morning simpsons

18 Dec

File Photo

What do you do when life gets you down? Something that comforts you, or that you can always rely on to make you feel good. I’ve been watching The Simpsons for as long as I can remember. I feel as though I’ve lived my life in a Simpson-centric way, with the same ideals and morals that are promoted in the show; honesty, compassion, forgiveness, etc. I highly suggest a Simpsons morning if you are feeling bad about something.

There’s always a Dorito cooler than you

15 Dec

When you work downtown, it’s easy to get caught up in all the popular lunch spots around you. Even though Pittsburgh isn’t as much of a multicultural melting-pot as city council would like you to believe (you can’t even find decent bean thread dishes, COME ON) there are plenty of options to suit your fancy on any given day – Thai, Indian, Chinese, Greek, Mexican, Cajun, fast food atrocities, and plenty of diners. However, the daily $8.00-$15.00 holes being put in my bank account have drawn me to spend my lunch hours at the nearby arcade. I play pinball. I love it. But it results in a somewhat un-stellar diet.

Today, lunch was Cool Ranch Doritos and a donut.

When approaching this topic, I thought for a moment – “Wait, weren’t these called Cool-er Ranch? Am I crazy?”. A quick Google search was in order.

Cool? Cool-er?

Present-Day Doritos

As far as the internet can tell, ranch Doritos were originally “Cooler” – cooler than what? Nobody knows. But at some point the recipe was altered in order to save costs on ingredients. So as to not confuse distributors, the name was slightly altered. That is a pretty good theory. But I will always think of them as way, way “Cooler” than any other Dorito.

Coolest Doritos

"Cooler Ranch" of the past

Times, they are a-changin’. Check out this other cool picture I found of Doritos.

Dorito Beach

I can't tell if these people are trying to clean the beach or are just hungry.

The end.

P.S. The donut was very good, too.

A thing called “love”, not the one by The Darkness

6 Dec

What is it, exactly, about love? Why is love so special? Why does it seem to dominate my entire life?

Every moment of every day, I’m contemplating what I love the most. Like, “What restaurant am I most passionate about today?” or “Those flowers are okay, but I don’t love them.”

I cover my bedroom in little plastic hearts, and fill my headphones with quirky ballads about love gone sour. My life demands passion in everything I do.  So doesn’t it make sense that I’ve spent my whole adult life focused on relationships? Is that a bad thing?


I love love love to love love you, love.

Lots of people have tried to define “love”, with little success. Webster’s defines “love” as “a strong affection for another arising out of kinship or personal ties.” There’s also stupid stuff on Facebook, like this:


Oh my God, shut up.

Whatever. The point is, love is great. I love being in love. Love makes people happy. I love being around people and places and things that I love.  And when I do things, it is always with the most amount of love possible. If you have ever sampled my peanut-butter-chocolate-thumbprint cookies, then you already know this.

The problem these days is that I’m in love with somebody who can’t decide if they want to be “with” me or not. And if I love myself at all, I should really quit holding on to this hope that he’ll love me back. In the same way that I love him. How long can I wait? Is it worth it? Was deleting my OkCupid account the best decision I ever made, or the worst? So many questions left unanswered. And so on a cold, foggy Tuesday night, my brain feels the same –cold, foggy.



“I really like Dru a lot. He’s a flirty guy that could pick up any girl he wanted. I’m too insecure to ask for Splenda in my latte, because I don’t want the barista to get annoyed with me. In every other way, though, we’re a perfect match. He’s a sweet, loving and gentle person – would do just about anything for anybody if they really needed it. But he also has the alter-ego of a jerk, which just makes me more enamored. He’s a good listener, but he also can talk for a really long time about video games and doesn’t get pissed if I just say “mmmhmmm” and kiss him. He’s super smart, but not above anybody. He’s got the most cuddleable body and he’s sexy and his arms are just the nicest. He’s also in a pretty fucking talented band and has impeccable taste in music. He’s great.

I’m so worried I’m going to fuck this up somehow.” – LiveJournal, 7/25/10


Okay, shut up, shut up. You know how I know I’m not a hopeless romantic?

Because all I’ve done for the last year-and-a-half is hope that I’m wrong about this. Hoping is all I have now. What else do I have?

Well, I still have my weird lyfe. I love it a whole lot. I have my friends. I have cats. I have those frozen Pepperidge Farm multi-layer cakes. Life will be okay regardless of if this man loves me back or not. But dammit, I don’t know if I’ll ever quit lovin’ him back. Ugh. Maybe I will just consult the internet on what I should do…

…fucking nevermind.

Have you met you?

29 Sep

A phrase that I’ve taken a liking to recently – “Have you met you?” – is as flexible and multi-faceted as phrases get.

I use it when my friends are discouraged. “Of course she doesn’t like you. Have you met you?”

And I use it if a co-worker has beef with our boss. “He said you were rude? Don’t worry! Have you met you?”

But it’s not something I’ve really asked myself. I assumed, all these years, that I had met myself. Not in a Dr. Who sense, in which I time-traveled and shook hands with 14-year-old me, but I am me! How could I not know me? Where, along the path from high school to college to “now” (whatever “now” is) could anything have changed?

The internet is basically a time machine, because it archives everything that touches it forever. Unless you’re Geocities. But generally, everything that has ever happened on the internet will be archived for, seemingly, ever.  Even your dim-witted, and at times downright boring high school blog.

“It’s Sunday, February the 2nd. I got my throat blessed today at mass. I came home and changed clothes…played with the digital camera some more. Alex came and we watched Baseketball (my first time seeing the movie) and ate dinner around 5pm.”

Wow, self. Go on. I can’t wait to find out what you did next. Please spare no excruciating detail.

“I have made Honor Roll at my school the whole first semester. 3rd quarter is usually the most difficult, so I’m going to have to kick things up a notch. This isn’t the best time to have to kick things up any notches. “

Just wait until you get to college, little lady. You can’t even start a sentence with a number unless you write out the word! You have so much to learn!

“I’ve realized that sometimes I just get screwed over and there is nothing I can do to prevent it. Stuff happens…and no matter how bad it seems, there has to be some good out of it.”

…you what now?

“I felt so great about myself; I actually had some confidence because I felt somewhat “loved”. It’s not okay that it was all basically a facade, and it’s not okay that I was crushed. But there’s a time to get over things, and that time is now.”

Where the hell did you pick up this attitude? Church?! How dare you be happier than your adult self! You’re a lame high school freshman with greasy hair and bad skin. I thought you were a hopeless romantic. I don’t even know you.

“I tried with everything I had to fix things, but who was I kidding? I know now that, if I get into a situation like that again, friends are friends and love is never ever what you think it might be. Get verification before you give somebody everything you have.”

not bad

Well goddamn.

If time travel were possible, I think 14-year-old Pam would slap me silly. I was such a good little grownup. Now I can’t stand the thought of being an adult. MAKE MY TOOTHPASTE BUBBLEGUM-FLAVORED, PLEASE. Honestly, I’ve spent every day since graduating college dedicated to staying young. Making sure I don’t go to bed before midnight. Growing up shouldn’t be something I want to avoid. Obviously, going against my gut isn’t very “me” at all.

“On top of that…I think I like Devo. Life – Current Status: Pretty Hilarious.”

If you only knew you, little Pam…if only you knew…